Hearts 5 - 1 Inverness CT

League Match
Saturday, August 20th, 2016, 3:00 PM at Tynecastle Stadium, Edinburgh
Attendance: 15,880
Referee: Steven McLean
Hearts Inverness CT

Don Cowie (7)
Conor Sammon (18)
Don Cowie (47)
Sam Nicholson (78)
Sam Nicholson (79)
Ross Draper (87)

Team Managers
Ian Cathro Richie Foran

Starting Eleven
Jack Hamilton
Callum Paterson
John Souttar
Igor Rossi
Faycal Rherras
Arnaud Sutchuin
Don Cowie
Perry Kitchen
Sam Nicholson
Tony Watt
Conor Sammon
Owain Fon Williams
Josh Meekings
Gary Warren
David Raven
Carl Tremarco
Iain Vigurs
Liam Polworth
Greg Tansey
Ross Draper
Jake Mulraney
Scott Boden

Viktor Noring
Alim Ozturk
Prince Buaben
Krystian Nowak
Bjorn Johnsen
Robbie Muirhead
Liam Smith
Ryan Esson
Aaron Doran
Jason Brown
Lewis Horner
Alex Fisher

Prince Buaben -> Perry Kitchen (70)
Bjorn Johnsen -> Conor Sammon (74)
Robbie Muirhead -> Don Cowie (80)
Alex Fisher for Scott Boden (53)
Lewis Horner for David Raven (59)
Aaron Doran for Jake Mulraney (64)

Perry Kitchen (29) Carl Tremarco (11)
Jake Mulraney (12)
Liam Polworth (40)
Lewis Horner (77)

Red Cards
None. None.
Appearances & Goals To Date
Owain Fon Williams (GK) 52 apps -
Josh Meekings 175 apps6 goals
David Raven 147 apps3 goals
Gary Warren 159 apps13 goals
Carl Tremarco 82 apps5 goals
Liam Polworth 84 apps7 goals
Greg Tansey 155 apps25 goals
Ross Draper 167 apps15 goals
Iain Vigurs 69 apps15 goals
Jake Mulraney 8 apps -
Scott Boden 8 apps5 goals
Lewis Horner (sub) 23 apps1 goal
Aaron Doran (sub) 157 apps20 goals
Alex Fisher (sub) 9 apps -

Starting Lineup
Youngest Player:Jake Mulraney (20 years 142 days)
Oldest Player:Josh Meekings (2018 years 23 days)
Average Player Age:27 years 285 days
Domestic Players:5 (45.45 % of starting eleven)

Matchday Squad
Youngest Player:Jason Brown (20 years 49 days)
Oldest Player:Josh Meekings (2018 years 23 days)
Average Player Age:27 years 143 days
Domestic Players:9 (56.25 % of matchday squad)

First Team Debuts


Maroon 5:

It might be a good name for a band, but it is not a great score to be on the wrong end of. Inverness were simply overrun by a rampant Hearts who were in Festival mood and handed us our worst defeat on the road for ages.

Former Inverness favourite Don Cowie opened the scoring early in the first half and Conor Sammon added a second soon after. It got worse after the interval as Cowie scored on the restart and Sam Nicholson scored a quickfire double to leave us floundering. Ross Draper notched the proverbial consolation goal as the game ran away from us leaving the visiting fans none too happy with the fare they witnessed from Richie Foran's side.

Immortal Howden Ender was less than impressed after making his way from Chorley to witness this shambles. His initial thoughts have found their way into the report, but after chilling out, he has a brief summary of the days events which were going well until he entered Tynecastle. ***Warning***. This report is not for the faint hearted.


This is how the report would have read if I had typed it last night - "MATCH REPORT - Home Safe - Pishedd but ICT were pisheddedder"

Well were do I feckin start - Lets look at this comment first - Inverness Caledonian Thistle manager Richie Foran: "I don't think it was a 5-1. We had more chances on goal today than we had in the previous three games, but you've got to put the ball in the net." It could actually have been 25-5. We were slaughtered. It was embarrassing. 44% possession but NO width and NO penetration. 13 shots on goal and 7 on target - for on target add weak or directly at keeper. 7 corners all aimed at Gary Warren. Fer fecks sake.

"They had that bit more belief when they had their chances. That's what we lacked." And where do they get that belief from. Sure Rice was barking orders but that is lukewarm. Foran looked like a feckin mannequin. Take the feckin suit off and give them laldy. Be more of Foran the nasty, snarling player, forget they were team mates and give them some good old Irish bollockings.

"We had too many players underperforming as well. I've got to take a big part of the blame for that as well - I picked the team, I picked the tactics, I picked the training through the week." Fair enuff - Neither Butcher or Hughes would have said that. But the tactics are WRONG. However, we don't have any real replacements. I thought "If it was me - how could I change it ?" - Only by being ruthless and perhaps playing the yoof.

"These players have proven over the years they are top players, but I'm not getting the best out of a few of them at the moment, so I'll take the blame for today." That is a fellow player talking - a buddy - a friend - not a manager. The blame will rest with Foran in the end but we have some of his old buddies playing cards in the feckin trenches. There are some who frankly are not playing for the shirt becos they probably think - "well who else is there". Apart from Warren and Tremarco NOBODY else looked like they were giving 100% - please refer to Grumpometer, because there is NOTHING to smile about !!

So the only positive about yesterday was pre-match. Great to have trains running from Englandshire all the way to Embra. Great to be at a game again. And great to see many of the old faces and enjoy a dram or twenty. But then I had to go to Tynecastle - in the Over 65 gate though with the adult Mantis :laugh:

So to the game. Lets summarise. We made Don Cowie look like Wayne Rooney and Conor Sammon look like Slatan Ibrahimovic. Nuff feckin said. We played some neat stuff for 7 minutes. I don't know about anybody else but I hate that 1-2 touch technique fresh off the training ground. Toothless. And then I am sitting there looking at two banks of four that would have won a Synchronised gold feckin medal. But then it didn't change. It stayed like that. And I thought to myself - Somebody with guile will suss that and the olde 1-2 will be easy peasy. And then it was delivered by those two masters of skill - Cowie and Sammon - Fer fecks sake!! And then we allow Cowie time to measure and deliver a cross to a totally unmarked Ibrahimovic who rose UNMARKED like a majestic flounder at the back post. 2-0 and GAME feckin over.

But did we pull up our sleeves and show what we were made off. NO we feckin didn't. We sat back and admired. We did not have the energy to press and we had holes all over the place. We were second to every ball. And we did get a chance - which we did - we fluffed the lines like an Amateur Dramatics line up in the West End. The lights were too bright for Boden (especially), Warren and Draper.

Match report written by Immortal Howden Ender

Pld W D L F A +/- Pts
1. Rangers 3 2 1 0 5 3 2 7
2. Celtic 2 2 0 0 6 3 3 6
3. Ross County 3 2 0 1 6 5 1 6
4. Aberdeen 3 1 2 0 2 1 1 5
5. Hearts 3 1 1 1 6 3 3 4
6. Dundee 3 1 1 1 5 4 1 4
7. St. Johnstone 3 1 1 1 4 5 -1 4
8. Partick Thistle 2 1 0 1 3 2 1 3
9. Motherwell 3 1 0 2 4 5 -1 3
10. Kilmarnock 3 1 0 2 3 5 -2 3
11. Hamilton Academical 3 0 2 1 3 4 -1 2
12. Inverness CT 3 0 0 3 3 10 -7 0